Anger management after you have been angry:

Managing anger when you have passed the anger duration consists of two steps:

1.	Finding the chief reason for your anger. The reason that is most often observed is either fear or attachment.
2.	Restoring yourself and others involved in the situation.

Finding the root cause

It is normal human tendency to expect people to behave or react in a specific way who often end up doing the reverse. This makes them angry and frustrated. But they do not realize that people have the rights to make their own decisions. You should not expect, because expectations are in fact your own fears. When you get attached to them, you get a feeling of security, and you become angry when these feelings are attacked.

Repairing the Damages

Try practicing meditation and relaxation and other relaxing techniques that help to diffuse all the stored stress or anger and does not affect the environment or people. Humor is a very efficient tool for relaxation. You can read funny books or watch cartoons etc to lighten up.

If your behavior with others has been very inappropriate, try to apologize and do something that will help to revive the relationship and the people who have been affected by it.

It is very important to restore your self esteem by trying to neutralize the effect which the issues of life have on your thoughts and feelings, and cause low self esteem in you. Every person has the same worth and value. If you are having strong negative thoughts and emotions, try to ask yourself how you would have reacted if these emotions were not present. Then reprogram your mind by thinking how to react differently which will help in restoring your lost self esteem. By doing so, you will realize that it is very simple to restore and revive your self respect and self esteem.

Cognitive Restructuring

The term ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ means to change the way you think and feel about different things. When people are angry, they tend to speak very strongly and swear continuously, which reflects the inner self in them. The thinking of a person can become very dramatic and over exaggerated when he is angry. If you start replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones, you will start to feel very differently about issues that make you angry. Just remember that by getting angry, the problem is not going to be solved, it will just become worse. By using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ when you are talking or working with someone else, you may make that person feel humiliated and unmotivated. It makes you feel that the anger inside you is justified and the problem cannot be solved at all. Try reminding yourself consistently that by getting angry, no problem is going to be solved. It will not make you feel better at all. It is a fact that by using rational thoughts and logic, you can overcome anger. This is because anger has the tendency to become irrational, no matter how much justified you think it is. Therefore, try to remind yourself that the world is not against you and what you are experiencing is just a few of the tough times of life, which will pass away soon. Every time you get angry, try to remind yourself about this and prevent the anger from taking control of yourself. This helps in getting a better and balanced perspective.

When people become angry, they demand a number of things. They want everything to be done their way. They become angry and hurt when these demands are not met. Angry people should be made aware of the fact that their demanding and expecting nature transforms their expectations into desires. This is what cognitive restructuring is about. Telling yourself that you will like something instead of telling yourself that you must have something will make you experience all the normal reactions, like disappointment and hurt. But it will not cause any anger because you did not expect and demand in the first place. Changing the way you think works really well for people who get irritated very often. Usually all the angry people try to use their anger as a tool to stop them from feeling hurt and disappointed, but this will not help them at all in making the pain go away. When we have to face some problems that we cannot run away from, we become frustrated and then angry. However, all the anger is not misplaced. Anger is a healthy and natural way to respond to the real problems in life. Whenever we are unable to find a solution to the problems, we become angrier. Therefore, in these kind of situations when a solution is not in sight, one should not keep on trying to find the solution but how to face the problem and handle it properly so that the other people around you are not hurt in any way. Schedule a proper plan and keep on checking how much you have improved yourself. Try to improve your thinking continuously, but do not think about punishing yourself if you are unable to find the correct solution. Think about what you are saying and do not speak the first thought that comes to your mind. You will not lose your patience very quickly if you try to approach your problems with the best intentions and make sincere efforts to face the problem. By doing this, you will not think about extremities even if the problem is not solved.

Communication

When people get angry, they come to conclusions very quickly without thinking about it, and most of their conclusions are very inaccurate. When you face a situation where you find yourself in a heated discussion or debate, slow down and think about how you need to respond. You also need to listen to the other person patiently and then take your time to think about what you have to say. When you are criticized, do not retaliate back although it is very natural to be defensive. Whenever someone tells you your shortcomings, do not keep thinking about fighting back but try to focus on what the person is trying to say. It is more likely that if you listen carefully, you will realize that he is correct. The person might even be feeling alienated and neglected. Listening to others takes a lot of patience, and it will seem to be an impossible task for those who are extremely impatient when it comes to listening. But you need to realize that your partner or coworker might need a little more space, and it depends on you to prevent the situation from getting out of control. Just by being calm, you can prevent a potentially dangerous situation from actually becoming one.

Humor

Many people feel that when you are faced with a serious problem, you need to try and solve the problem seriously. The procedure of trying to find a solution is at times very distressing. However, silly humor can help to diffuse the rage and anger inside you. By saying or thinking about some funny things, you create a more balanced situation for yourself. Whenever you feel that you are becoming angry, try to think of some funny name or phrase to refer to the people or situations, and then visualize what it will look like. If you are very irritated from your coworker, think of him as a bag of dirt or an amoeba, which is a single cell form of life. When you are at work, try imagining your coworker as an amoeba sitting at a desk or talking on the phone. You can also draw a picture of what it would look like, and visualize it whenever you see that person. Not only will this help in diffusing the rage within you, it will also help in creating a healthier environment to work. Humor can always be used in calming down a tense situation.
According to Dr. Deffenbacher, most people who are frustrated think that things always go out of their way and there is nothing that is going right for them. They think that they are correct morally and when their plans are not executed correctly, they feel that this is not the way they should have suffered. Other people are destined to be suffering like this, not them. This kind of thinking is very negative. You should start taking failure as a learning opportunity. According to Dr. Deffenbacher, whenever you are in such a situation, consider yourself to be the supreme god or goddess who is the owner of all the stores, streets and offices and, have everything to yourself. Start thinking that you own the people around you and they are meant to do whatever you please and start visualizing this in detail. The more you visualize, the more you will realize that you are being extremely unreasonable. You will come to know that you were getting upset on very unnecessary things. However, when using humor to stop anger, you need to be careful as well. Do not try to simply laugh your problems away. This will make the problems to diminish temporarily but you will definitely have to face the music sometime later. Use your humor constructively to help you face them and try to solve them. Also, be careful that you do not become sarcastic and unpleasant. This is an indication of unhealthy anger. You should use your humor to help lighten the environment, not make it more negative by making fun of the situation or people around you.

Surroundings can also make a person irritable and angry. Sometimes you feel that this is not where you should be and that you have been trapped in this place. This will allow the personal and professional problems to stress yourself more and you start feeling angry at the people around you. Try to give yourself a break from such feelings. You need some time for yourself everyday, especially when you are feeling extremely suffocated with negative emotions.

Problems in personal life and relationships are also a reason for constant irritation. If you and your spouse fight regularly over certain issues, try to change the times of your discussion as you or your partner may be tired or distracted at that time, or maybe it is just a habit which can change by changing the time of discussion. Also, do not become upset over small issues concerning your personal life. If the traffic or the route you take to work infuriates you, try to find a different route which is less congested and is more pleasant. Or else, find a better alternative like taking a bus or train to work.

If you think that you are unable to control your anger and it is having a very negative impact on your life and relationships, then you might need some personal counseling. A certified psychologist or similar professional concerned with mental health can be helpful in developing some methods that can change the way you think and perform, and will lead to improvement in your personal and professional life. When you are taking professional counseling, be sure to tell the counselor about the problems you are having with your anger and then ask him about his own techniques for anger management. It may be possible that your problem is concerned with staying in close touch with your feelings and expressing them. According to professional psychologists, a very angry person can reduce his levels of frustration and come down to the level in the middle range of anger in ten weeks. However, the time depends upon the situations and the methods used by the psychologist.

Assertiveness

The people who get angry very often need to become more assertive instead of aggressive. However, what is surprising is that most of the books and courses designed for assertiveness are meant for people who do not get angry very often. They are relatively more passive than the normal person and allow people to walk over them. Most people who get angry do not do this. But the books should also be meant for these people who are extremely agitated and frustrated, and can help them with tactics and methods to help themselves in potentially dangerous situations.

It is not possible to completely remove the feeling of anger and frustration, although it would have been a very good idea if it were possible. When we are able to control our anger, we can see whatever that is going on in our minds and are also able to honestly acknowledge the thoughts in our mind for what they are and realize the fact that by allowing them to grow, only suffering will be obtained. We need to make a conscious effort to remove all kinds of negative thoughts from our minds. By doing so, we will not allow our anger to develop. However, controlling one’s anger and repressing it are very different terms. Repression takes place when the anger is completely developed in our minds but we do not recognize its presence and turn a blind eye towards it. We simply pretend that we are not angry and control the expression of anger. But we are not able to control the real anger within. Repression is very dangerous as the anger within us will continue to become stronger and will some day erupt like a volcano. Such situations are the most dangerous and it is very important to admit it that we are upset than just keeping our feelings to ourselves.

A person who wishes to be really happy will have to make efforts to free his mind from anger. The key to control anger effectively is to slow things down. When you have learnt to recognize the early signs of frustration and anger, and how to step a little backwards to evaluate the situation, the anger and frustration inside you will lose its wrath and you will lead a better life.